Almost every morning, my mom and I work out a local gym. When people are impressed, I tell them, “I couldn’t do it without my mom.” And I’ve heard her say, “Knowing she’s expecting me gets me up and going.”
We both do it for self-care. Most of the time. Sometimes, I feel awake and great about myself. Other times, I feel disheartened about my weight. But for the most part, I do it for a short escape from my stress, worries, and schedule.
Except that I can’t always escape my worries, especially about the world, which are represented on the TV screens above me in the form of Fox News and CNN. Looking from one screen to the other, comparing how each story is portrayed differently fills me with a mixture of amusement and irritation. Yesterday, the screens were filled with Epstein’s bail denial, a ballot to change a Denver neighborhood’s name connected with the Klu Klux Klan, and the burning of the flag at a local ICE protest, and more.
The news is forever intermixed with news stories that are both positive and disheartening. I remember watching these same screens during Kavanaugh’s trial last October, knowing that justice would lose. A few months ago, I watched reports of a school shooting in Colorado, thankful that none of the kids I served at my internship were affected. And in the last weeks, I’ve heard about the scheduling of ICE raids in Denver. Looking at these news stories, I am overwhelmed with emotion: anger, sadness, weariness, and uselessness. I forget the positive news stories and the events that give me hope. Joy seems to be the exception these days.
Except, I’ve found myself listening to podcasts such as Ask Me Another and Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, which use humor to poke fun at current events and podcasts such as On Being and Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, which finds meaning making as well as humor in the dark aspects of life.
Except, I found and made music playlists such as A Woman’s Rage: Songs About Being Fed Up (NPR Music on Spotify) which are born out of deep seated frustrations (Kavanaugh, in that particular playlist’s case) and remind me of the solidarity of the MeToo movement and created playlists for the last three years, which contain songs reminding me of the emotions I was feeling and the events that happened.
I am frequently divided between being proud of myself for setting aside these things for self-care and feeling guilty for doing these instead of helping with the world’s woes. I wonder if I’ll be remembered as someone who simply watched or did something. I do wonder, but it doesn’t help anybody to wonder, so I’ll just do. As much as I’m able. While I’m taking care of myself.
Three items of gratitude (from my gratitude box):
First card: I am grateful I’m alive and breathing. 10/19/17. Second card: I’m grateful for this gratitude box. 4/26/18. In between is a rock from Wisconsin.